Expand Your Philosophy: You Are Not Obligated To Carry The Weight Of Expectations - Fear Sets the Rules Until You Decide It Doesn’t

Short principles for long-term clarity—and occasional epiphanies.

How many of your struggles come from trying to meet a standard you never chose?

“Expectations are predictions and illusions of control - when you break free, the world expands beyond what you imagined. The choice of which ones to welcome is up to you.”

You were shaped before you even realised it. The whispered lessons of parents, teachers, and a world that never asked for your consent. These expectations, invisible yet deeply ingrained, sculpted your choices before you could even question them. And when you fall short? The weight of disappointment crashes down - like betraying your own future.

Expectations define us. Some we place on ourselves. Others are woven into us by family, culture, and society. They shape our choices, our relationships, our self-worth. At their core, expectations are predictions - mental models for an uncertain world. But here’s the problem: we mistake them for reality. The future isn’t obligated to follow our script. And that misunderstanding? It results in more than surprise – we feel something deeper. Disappointment. Regret. Pain.

Have you ever set your heart on something, only to feel utterly crushed when it didn’t happen? That’s disappointment. Disappointment is what happens when reality falls short of what we envisioned. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment when reality does not match. Regret, though, is different - it’s the belief that we should have done something differently. Understanding the difference matters. Disappointment is about what happens to us; regret is about what we think we caused. Recognising this can free you from unnecessary shame and self-blame.

When our mental models of the future misalign with reality, the resulting pain can lead to shame, social isolation, and self-doubt - eroding our sense of self-efficacy. This is where external expectations become powerful. Many of the expectations you carry - about success, belonging, identity - aren’t yours. They were given to you, shaped by cultural norms, rules, and power structures you never chose.

Expectations shape your worldview, but not all expectations are created equal. Some exist only in our minds; others are codified into rules and standards that shape our social contracts and daily lives. Unlike personal expectations, which are internal and self-imposed, rules and standards function as external constraints. Rules dictate what is legally permissible, with clear consequences for violations. Standards set benchmarks for behaviour and output quality, upheld by institutions, workplaces, and social norms. Both create a sense of order, but they also create pressure and reinforce existing power structures.

People conform to external standards because they fear rejection or consequence - whether legal, professional, or social. They internalise them, often at their own expense. Many of us learn to shrink and suppress our true selves to fit the mould – adapting, adjusting - hiding parts of who we are - just to avoid ostracism, all to meet imposed expectations. Masking helps us survive, but it comes at a cost - it erodes our sense of self. In spaces where self-worth is measured by output rather than well-being, this pressure is relentless. For those whose worlds are built in the image of another - women, BIPOC, and LGBTQI+ communities - the cost is even greater.

The pressure to "perform" results in chronic stress, low self-esteem, and an inability to recognise personal success. We hear phrases like ‘high standards, low expectations’ - a mindset that often equates resilience with self-sacrifice. But what if resilience isn’t about suffering? What if true strength comes from being able to judiciously reject the pressure to conform?

Rather than balancing unrealistic expectations with rigid societal standards, you need a new framework:

1. Prioritise public safety, but not at the cost of well-being. Some sacrifice is necessary for collective good, but question who benefits from the rules you follow.

2. Trade rigid expectations for fluid ones. Rigid self-demands that never evolve lead to suffering; adaptability allows for genuine growth and for aspirations and desires to change based on new circumstances and positions. Reflect and address the illusion that your past assumptions and expectations define your future self.

3. Embrace limits with compassion. True growth isn’t about endless striving - ambition without care leads to self-destruction. Growth happens when we honour our limits and respect our capacities with reflection, acknowledgment, validation, permission, and rest.

For years, I believed the only way past disappointment, regret, and fear was to outgrow them - to demand more of myself than anyone else could. But that belief broke me and nearly ruined me. I wasn’t outgrowing these emotions. I was feeding them, making them bigger, more relentless. And the worst part? I thought that was strength. Pushing past limits isn’t the same as overcoming them; it’s a fast track to burnout. Without support, the only things that grow are exhaustion, self-doubt, and resentment - alongside a cascade of chronic, long-lasting effects.

The path to true freedom isn’t through relentless self-discipline and self-flagellation, but through curiosity, joy, and creation. Here’s the challenging truth: what you or others expect from you is not always what you need. A friend shifted my perspective when she said, 'Your issue does not constitute my emergency.' It doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility, rather, recognising when expectations serve control over you rather than collaboration. Many institutions and individuals maintain power by imposing unrealistic standards, benefiting from your compliance. It sounds cynical, yet it’s realistic to assume people will prioritise their own interests - including their power and comfort – what we have, we protect.

Letting go of ingrained expectations isn’t easy. It takes consistent effort, deep self-awareness, and the courage to unlearn conditioning. Therapy, self-reflection, and personal growth work help dismantle the invisible narratives that keep you trapped - revealing hidden strengths. Over time, you begin to see high expectations for what they often are - tools of control rather than measures of success.

So, what now? You start small. Question one expectation you’ve accepted without thought. Explore one idea that leads somewhere unexpected. Challenge one rule that feels arbitrary. Redefine one personal standard - with kindness instead of judgment. Expectation by expectation, you reclaim your energy, your identity, and your freedom. As you do, the world opens up. The walls you thought were unbreakable? They were never real. So, what will you do with all that space?

🗝️ Three Paths to Make This Yours - Unlock Your Understanding:

• 🧠 The Thinker’s Path: Journal about one deeply ingrained belief - where did it come from, and is it still valid?

• 🌿 The Wanderer’s Path: Let go of a rigid goal and experiment with a new possibility for a week.

• 🔥 The Challenger’s Path: Challenge an expectation today - say “no” to something that doesn’t align with your true self.

🧭 The Compass of Curiosity - A Pause, A Question, A Shift:

• Imagine if you were an anarchist who wanted to break all the rules. Which one would you break first? Why?

• Imagine you were a life coach giving your advice about living your life to the fullest. What parts of your life or activities would you pick on? What limits (“I can’t”, “I shouldn’t”, “I have to”) would your reflect for growth?

• Think about your parents, what is one thing you wish they did differently? Name the expectation that they had on you, and state the way in which you feel limited. What is a different narrative that empowers you to overcome this limitation?

🔥 Two Sparks to Light Your Thinking - Dare To Challenge The Ordinary:

• For one day, question every assumption you make about what you "should" or "must" do.

• For 24 hours do the opposite of what you think others expect from you.

🎶 Resonance in Rhythm - Melodies That Echo Meaning:

• Everything In My Mind – Nevertel

• Guiding Light – Caskets

• Ride – Honey Revenge

• Tattoos – Citizen Soldier

• Warriors – Imagine Dragons

• Am I Wrong –Nico & Vinz

📖 Wonderer’s Toolkit* - Resources For The Inquisitive Mind:

• The Way of Integrity - Martha Beck (Amazon)

• Burnout: Solving the Stress Cycle - Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski (Amazon)

• Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action - Simon Sinek (Amazon)

• Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl (Amazon)

• The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help - Amanda Palmer (Amazon)

• Want More Recommendations?

*These are Amazon Affiliate links through which you can support the blog

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