Expand Your Philosophy: Love is Safety
Short principles for long-term clarity—and occasional epiphanies.
How do love, safety, and communication shape lasting relationships?
“The foundation of enduring relationships is a mutual promise: 'You are safe with me.'”
Love is such an important part of human interactions that, if understood, can enrich your life. But the way that love is sold to us is as lust – in the form of longing glances and sex. The danger with this is that you can conflate the two and you can go seeking unhelpful foundations in your relationships.
When you look closely at relationships with enduring love, you see that they offer a haven for the deepest insecurities and vulnerabilities for both parties. It is a place where they can address these things together with kindness and compassion. This means true love is defined more by how protected and safe you feel rather than how much you are desired.
The notion of “true love” is a fable. It paints the picture that one person could be perfect or easy to love in all the ways that work best for you, which is not the case. Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is held up by how caringly we try to meet each other’s needs. Longing for ideal personalities, physicalities, or interests does not guarantee that the other person has enough emotional maturity to create a safe space for you. Receiving proper love is the security we feel in being ourselves, especially the most blemished or vulnerable parts. This is not to say that there is no place for lust or longing. Rather, that they serve their own purpose of driving us together so we may figure out what safety looks like.
To cultivate these spaces in your own life, look to the behaviours you signal. Non-violent communication, active listening, compassion, and forgiveness are all vital in creating this safety. The truth is that this safe space is formed through altruistically meeting the needs of another person without the desire for reciprocity. How you tailor this to the person you love is unique to their experiences, needs, and insecurities. It allows you to be less threatening and more allowing, slowly growing deeper connection and safety one step at a time. Only after doing that, will they begin to show you the same altruism.
If you notice stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness, or contempt (Gottman’s Four Horseman) these are defensive acts from someone who feels unsafe. In a truly loving space, one doesn’t need to defend themselves to feel fully accepted. Try to address these behaviours through vulnerable discussions and compassionate action or they break trust and ultimately lead to the degradation of the relationship. As I often remind myself mid-argument, and as Gabby Reece says (in Tools of Titans), “[Go positive and] go first”.
This concept even extends to how you relate to yourself - A reframing of self-love as self-safety. The biggest aversion we all have to self-love is that it feels vain and self-aggrandising. Imagine if instead of asking yourself “what can I love about me today?” you instead asked, “what will make me feel more safe today?”. They would elicit vastly different responses, because sometimes what we think we love, is more about preference than safety. From the frame of self-safety, it makes it easier to celebrate our wins and see our strengths, leading to greater self-esteem which is more resilient to attack from any source. The most beautiful thing is that it is all done altruistically, given to yourself without the expected reciprocity in the form of growth. But, growth eventuates.
The way we talk to others or ourselves is the most important thing in creating safety. I like to imagine that I am talking to a child who is longing for something but feels afraid. Anything that you say that would make them feel less safe is likely to make then close off. But, things you say to make them safer allows them more room to express themselves openly and without fear. So, when you say the words “I love you” think to yourself “I want to make the world safe for you” – see it as an open invitation to embody this safety through compassionate action and, over time, the world will open its heart to you wider than ever before.
Reflection Questions:
How would I say this to a vulnerable child?
Image you are a cartoon character thinking about the person you love. They think the ways in which you interact with them are 100% unsafe – what are the things that would make them feel that way?
Imagine you arresting all the intentionally cruel actions you take every day towards the one you love – which actions or behaviours do you think would be the biggest offenders to be arrested?
What parts of your current relationship promote lust over safety? What words do you say or expectations do you hold of your partner?
Songs That Embody This For Me:
This = Love – The Script
If I Didn’t Have You – Tim Minchin
Unwritten – (Cover) Boyce Avenue, Diamond White
Safe and Sound – Point North, The Ghost Inside
Worst Apology – Honey Revenge
Resources You Could Explore*:
Emotional Agility – Susan David (Amazon)
Atlas of the Heart – Brene Brown (Amazon)
Why Won't You Apologize? - Harriet Lerner (Amazon)
Permission to Feel – Marc Brackett (Amazon)
*These are Amazon Affiliate links through which you can support the blog
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