Expand Your Philosophy: Process the Five Tyrants of Self-Suppression (ToSSers)
Short principles for long-term clarity—and occasional epiphanies.
How can we dismantle the 5 Tyrants of Self-Suppression and replace rigid expectations with intention for a more fulfilling, flexible life?
“The language of suppression traps you in expectations, weighing down your capability such that you do not grow – Fight it by shifting into elucidating “why” this is important to you and how you feel about it.”
Life can quickly become disappointing when we play by the tune of others. On the surface it is a simple thing to say that we do not want it, but a whole lot harder to action. A disappointing life is one where our expectations do not meet our reality. I have heard it said that we should just “want less things” which I think is helpful, but only part of the solution. The other part is really this assumption that expectations are inherently “bad” – which in truth is not the case. Expectations and assumptions are how we as humans process and predict our future, which makes them paramount to the progress of humanity. The problem lies in unexamined expectations - those imposed by external pressures or unspoken assumptions - leading to self-suppression.
Let me introduce the 5 Tyrants of Self-Suppression (ToSSers) - ‘Should,’ ‘Have to,’ ‘Must,’ ‘Can’t’, and ‘Deserve’. These 5 words represent ego-centric expectations conveyed to you by the story others tell you and the story you tell yourself. It is not that they exist which is the harmful thing, it is that we do not actively evaluate the feasibility of them when we use them or have them ascribed to us, often using them unconsciously to dictate our actions.
These words leave you feeling less than, supressed and incapable or on the flipside leave you feeling invincible and righteously correct. Regardless, they are a projection of reality that hold so firmly that it starves the room of oxygen. Although the words themselves are not dangerous, the meaning behind them are pernicious if we do not unpack them. There is great strength to be gained if we can instead twist these words to our advantage as a guide to what action we would like to take.
This is done by taking these five expressions, which have an iron grip, and moving them through equally as true de-escalations of desire (“wants”) and “intention”. The word “intention” is often misused in most self-development circles, and it has become a weak catchall for “whatever you wish to have happen” – but this is not intention. Intention is the reason why you wanted the thing in the first place not an actual desire in-of-itself and more like a promise of what you want to get out of it. Unlike rigid expectations, intentions are flexible and open-ended, reflecting the underlying reason we want reality to change, rather than demanding a specific outcome. Holding intentions loosely allows for flexible personal growth with minimised disappointment. Over time your list of Tyrants begins to feel less like a dictatorship and more like a buffet of things you could enjoy. Each intention completed, becoming an eventuation that you can appreciate, feel empowered and more fulfilled by. It is as Janice Fraser said, “strong opinions, loosely held”.
Only mandating things that you expect from your life can cause embitterment and entitlement when you do not get those things – despite how hard life may have been for you or the crappiness of the hand you were dealt. Desires and wants can be the same. It is important to remember that the world does not revolve around any one individual and that therefore it cannot meet your expectations or desires all of the time. By intending to do things, it shows an openness and curiosity to how things might play out. Intentions are held so lightly that if they do not come to fruition your life is not turned upside down from the disappointment. So go forth and find all these pernicious ToSSers. Intention to do things, shows interest in your own life.
Reflection Questions:
To help you dismantle the influence of the ToSSers in your life, try this guided reflection exercise to uncover the autonomy that lay beneath:
[ToSSer] What is the statement of one of the 5 Tyrants - any time you notice it
“I can’t do anything, I am useless”
“I have to organise the household, or it will fall apart”
[Desire] Replace the ToSSer with the word “want” or “don’t want” (depending on context)
“I don’t want to do anything, I am useless”
“I want to organise the household, or it will fall apart”
[Intention] What is the intention behind this statement? Start the statement with “The intention behind [want statement] is because I..” – let your brain fill in the rest
“The intention behind not wanting to be useless is because I hate being a burden on others”
“The intention behind wanting to organise our household is because I like living in a tidy house”
[Reality] What is the reality of the situation you find yourself in? – Be as objective as possible – this is about statements without feelings or opinions.
“My boss hated my work”
“The house is a mess”
[Feeling] How does the difference between reality and your intention make your feel? – Start the statement with “I notice that this makes me feel… because I have a need for…”
“I notice that this makes me feel powerless, fucked, sad and angry at myself because I have a need for appreciation”
“I notice that this makes me feel like I am inept, unclean, and unsightly because I have a need to be liked”
[Action] I choose to start X because Y – Flex your autonomy
“I choose to start playing video games because I need some space from this”
“I choose to start scheduling in cleaning for tomorrow because I want to try to have a cleaner house”
[Ask] An Ask - I will ask X to Y because Z
“I will ask my brother to come and hang out because I need a friend”
“I will ask my wife to help me with something small because we have guests coming over soon”
Extra credit - Do the whole thing again but in reverse
Change your “should” statement into a “shouldn’t” statement and honestly complete the prompts. e.g. “I don’t have to organise the household or it will fall apart”
Some Extra Questions
Imagine you were parent to a small 10-year-old child, what things do you want for their life? Imagine now that your child decides that they no longer want that, despite what you have invested in their future – what is the ToSSer at play?
Imagine something that you are the worst at, worse than anyone you know. What is the ToSSer that comes to mind?
Songs That Embody This For Me:
Better Than This – senses
Murphy’s Law – Honey Revenge
Monster Made of Memories – Citizen Soldier
Me Against Myself – Wage War
Alone in A Room – Asking Alexandria
Resources You Could Explore:
Limitless – Jim Kwik (Amazon)
Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) - Carol Tavris (Amazon)
Finite and Infinite Games: A Vision of Life as Play and Possibility - James P. Carse (Amazon)
Dare To Lead - Brené Brown (Amazon)
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