Expand Your Philosophy: Choose “And” Over “But” - A Path to Expansive Thinking
Short principles for long-term clarity—and occasional epiphanies.
How can small word choices, like 'and' instead of 'but,' transform communication, reduce conflict, and foster better relationships?
“’And’ is the bridge; ‘But’ is the wall—choose wisely which you wish to build or it will dictate much about your world.”
How we communicate with ourselves and others is important as it defines the flavour of the story that is told about our behaviours and intentions. The words “and” and “but” are classic examples of words we often use and are not mindful of. They make a lot of difference in the nature of a communication as they influence the relationship between two assertions.
Here is an example:
“I believe that you were right, but you did call that guy out on the internet.”
“I believe that you were right, and you did call that guy out on the internet.””
Imagine that this “guy from the internet” came to your house and broke a window due to your comments (whatever they were). Later, you retold it to a friend, parent, or partner and they said the above statements, independently. How would you feel?
The former statement is likely perceived as dismissive of whatever emotions (fear or anger) you felt – the subtext being “that’s what you get”. The second statement, although still highlighting your action to “call the guy out”, feels less critical and judgemental – the subtext being “despite your correctness this guy clearly took poorly to your comments”.
This difference exists because the word “but” is about contrast and creating an exception to the thing that come before it. Although useful in a logical argument, the word “but” is more invalidating when talking about another person’s actions or ideas. To further complicate things, often what comes after the word “but” is what we actually mean to say (“you did call that guy out on the internet”) and therefore whatever we say before it, is veiling our true intention. Ultimately, this is perceived by the other person as criticism or judgement of how they handled the situation or of their idea, which is not often our aim.
But! (see what I did there), the word “and” on the other hand is intentionally additive, rather than exclusionary. This is often used in improvisation (“yes, and”) as it acknowledges the first statement and then adds something else, therefore intentionally building on the initial statement. The inclusivity of the “and” expands the communication to validate that two things can be true at the same time (much like Einsteins Theory of Relativity where two people experience the truth of a moving train differently depending on whether they are on it or not).
To vilify any word is silly, as words have function, and it is important to use them wisely in communication if you do not want to be misunderstood or exclusionary. Does your wife or husband get defensive when you respond to their bids? (e.g. “I know you are upset about the bins but I already did the dishes”) Do teammates react poorly when you respond to them? (e.g. “That is a great idea but it isn’t viable”)? Perhaps these are hints that you are inadvertently invalidating their feelings. You will find that substitution of this simple word, will make the way it comes out of your mouth feel different. When paired with other skills in the toolbox, this can be a great tool for genuinely moving communications forward in a generative way. The more you practice catching it, the more you will hear it - the more you hear it, the more you can correct it – the more you correct it, the less tension you will create in your communications. In the end, that is all us humans can do to understand each other – communicate better.
Reflection Questions:
Imagine, in this argument, that you are an improv drama student. What could you “and” here?
Imagine you removed everything before “but” and just lead with “but [point]” does that feel kind to say? If not, what is the feeling behind what you are saying? Say that instead.
Songs That Embody This For Me:
Worst Apology – Honey Revenge
Cautious – Emarosa
Love Letter – Knox
Circles – Yours Truly
Resources You Could Explore*:
Mindset – Carol Dweck (Amazon)
The Art of Always Being Right - Arthur Schopenhauer [Antithetical Example] (Amazon)
Dare To Lead - Brené Brown (Amazon)
Emotional Agility – Susan David (Amazon)
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